Tuesday, 24 August 2010

Hotel lingo

Having stayed in hotels around the world throughout my life I came across a similar list which has been around for a long time and thought it needed some updating.
On the left a picture of the second worst room I stayed so far, which was in Holland.
Old world charmNo bath
Majestic settingA long way from town
PicturesqueA Western invention to explain why the beer is two times the usual price
Family runnedPets begging at dinner
Boutique hotelA term invented to upgrade the above without major investments
Boarding houseB&B + lousy dinner
B&BExpensive alternative to ringing at a stranger's door and asking to stay for the night
HostelHostile backpackers
Low budgetShared bathroom
GasthausThe owner looks like a Nazi
Former state-ownedNothing has changed since then
LodgeFan only, but no electricity
CondotelAccommodates expats, who came to the conclusion nobody can stand them
InnBar packed with local alco's
ResortAttractive destination for queue-jumpers at buffets
Spa-ResortInvented when marketing people found out the wife is the decision-maker
All-inclusiveLuxury prison
Extra All-inclusiveAn unsuccessful attempt to get rid of queue jumpers
MotelIt's not a porn movie the're watching next door
Near the airport1:30h drive from the city centre
Close to city centre0:30h drive from the city centre
In city centreThe city has different centres
ModernDecorated by IKEA
RuralAccommodates the only bar + restaurant in the area as well
Child friendly poolPee water
Pool barPee water
ConvenientlyPrice + 25%
Gay friendlyFull star hotel, but usually not the stars you had in mind
Friendly staffNosey
Options galoreNothing is included in the itinerary
Secluded hideawayImpossible to find or get to
Pre-registered roomsAlready occupied
Explore on your ownPay for it yourself
Knowledgeable trip hostSpeaks some pidgin English
No extra feesNo extras
Nominal feeOutrageous charge
SuperiorOne free shower cap
ExecutiveRidiculous fee, but allowed to bring prostitutes
JuniorNot allowed to bring prostitutes
Dorm-room"Hey, pass me that joint"
All the amenitiesTwo free shower caps
PlushTop and bottom sheets
**No stars
*-1 star
Gentle breezesOccasional gale-force winds
Light and airyNo air conditioning
Family destinationTheme park nearby
Beach frontExpect strangers peeking in
Sea viewThe remote blue spot
Pool viewChloride smell
Lake viewBring enough anti-mosquito spray
River viewAllows you to notice that on the other side the hotels seem more attractive
Garden viewThe green patch in front of the traffic
Affordable roomsNo view

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